This time it was loss.
Writing this post would just make it a little more final...an acknowledgement of the truth that I have yet to accept.
One month and two days ago, I lost my best friend to cancer. A battle that lasted one week. One week from beginning to end. From discovery to goodbye. I have gone over the whole thing a thousand times in my head. Is this real? Did that really happen? What now? I have listened to voice mails on my phone just to hear her voice. I have dreamed of her. I found a spoon in my silverware drawer that she left at my house.
I always knew she would die before me...my mind is morbid like that. I would be a ripe 75...she, a frail 92. Never 34 and 51. My mind doesn't work like that. With a seventeen year age difference, I expected to live on this earth without her. I could never have expected this. It is simply unimaginable.
I gave the eulogy at her funeral. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done. In. my. life. And when I say that, I mean it was hard to get the words out of my mouth. I was full of the words. When someone has such an impact on your life, it's not hard to recall the stories, the memories. It's just hard to find your voice when hundreds of people who love your friend are staring at you bleary-eyed and expecting you to sum up how they feel about her too. It is my greatest hope that I was able to do that.
God often gets my attention through music...in worship and when I am alone. In Christian music and non-Christian. A few days ago I heard this song for the first time and I literally could have written it. It speaks the words that I could not find. It is helping me heal. It is a brand new song by MercyMe. What are the chances that this song, this single no less, was released days after my friend died? No chances. All God.
I hope you will listen to it and that it will help you too. Even if you didn't know my friend, we have all loved and lost...we've all asked why.